Let’s say you’ve been texting a beautiful lady.
Things are going great so far
But you need a way to escalate the conversation to the next level.
You don’t want to put in the effort to create meaningful dialogue
And you’re no good at flirting through traditional routes
Like genuine compliments or non-homiphobic jokes,
So what do you do?
Send a dick pic!

Sending a dick pic is the fun and flirty way to indicate
Just how special you really think your lucky lady is.
And when you send a dick pic,
You’ll know you’re in good company,
From senators and sports stars
To that one guy at the bar who she only gave her number to so he’d leave her the hell alone,
Men all over are sending their special sweetie phallic photos.
It’s a great way to break out of the friendzone,
Reconnect with an ex,
Or drop the subtle drunken hint
That you’re ready to become housemates with benefits.

So let’s you’ve laid down the solid ground work with “hey”, and “sup”
And at some point she sent you the winky face,
Which everyone knows translates as
“bring on the bulge and balls boy, game on!”
But what do you do now?

Step 1: take your dong out.
And not just partially;
Unleash the kraken!
If the Anthony Weiner incident has taught us anything,
It’s that keeping things under wraps
Might make her mistakenly think that you have a modicum of modesty,
Or some sense of embarrassment!
Let you fuck flag flap freely in the breeze
Like it was waving immodestly over a used car lot!

Step 2: Wash your dick
And while you’re down there,
Tame your unruly pubes
With some generous manscaping.
You don’t need to shave completely,
Just remove enough
so it doesn’t look like an afro is starting to grow a mutant thumb

Step 3: Make sure your camera is quality:
No lady likes a grainy grundle!

Step 4: lighting and composition
Think about what kind of mood you want to invoke with your dick.
Do you want the shot to seem playful and spontaneous, or more refined?
Is your dick a hard worker, or a high roller?
Treat your penis as if it were a canvas,
And you are dickcaso,
or van gogh… only if you’ve been circumsized

If you’re taking the picture at home,
Make sure to remove anything embarrassing from the background;
Nothing will ruin a dick pic faster
Than that old crusty sprite bottle you’ve been ejaculating into.

Side note: If you’ve got herpes or HPV,
Consider strategically placed rhinestones,
Or as it’s better known,

Step 5: the delivery

now that you’ve put in all this preparation,
Why waste it on just one person?
You are Oprah and you’ve got cocks to give away!
You get a dick pick, and you get a dick pick,
Everybody gets dick picks!
If anyone doesn’t like it,
You can always pretend it was unintentional
By replying with a throw away line like:
“oh, sorry! My bad! That was supposed to go to my grandma.”

But no matter what happens,
never let yourself get discouraged!
Just because every woman so far has rejected
your hot, throbbing resume
is no reason to stop lobbing those sweet scrotal selfies;
Keep on flinging your insecurities
into non-consenting inboxes long enough
and surely someone will validate your existence,
even if just out of pity.


from Growing Up, Not Old, released June 30, 2016



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